One of the greatest challenges that I have faced at my internship this year at Emmanuel is of an interpersonal nature and relates to a challenge that I am working with outside of the internship realm. It has to do with my tendency toward leadership, my need for being seen, and my addiction to creating intended results. I am someone who likes to enter a space and influence an outcome that I can imagine being positive in nature. I am a change agent and have been identified as someone who possesses leadership abilities for as far back as I can remember. (My first dream when I was a child was to be the president.) At Emmanuel this year one of the main things that I have gotten to practice is putting my tendency toward leadership on the shelf and, instead, showing up as just another member of the group or simply as a witness to what is happening to those around me. It has been through these experiences that I have been able to practice the dance of therapeutic presence.There have been times when I have felt invisible at Emmanuel, where the moment simply called for me being another body in the room. This practice of simply being present, without the explicit intention of interrupting what is unfolding, has been deeply challenging and also deeply rewarding for me.
What does the process of being present entail? How at Emmanuel have I been able to practice this skill and integrate it as a necessary part of my development as a clinician? I am recalling a day at Emmanuel when, despite my desire to assert myself into the social fabric of common art, I instead hung out on the side of the bustling room and simply remained present. There were probably sixty folks from varying backgrounds in the parish hall. Some were carrying around large bags and others were sleeping on the stage at the front of the room, which serves as the designated sleeping area for those who need rest. I walked around the room a bit and made contact with a few of the artists a part of the program. Everything seemed peaceful and I enjoyed the feeling of tranquility despite the number of people and belongings that crowded the space. After my stroll I looked for someone who might be open to engaging in conversation with me, it felt almost like desperation was rising in me for contact with a member of the community. Instead, I resisted that urge and simply took a seat in one of the metal folding chairs that lined two of the walls of the room. I sat there and began observing my own breath. I sat up a little straighter to allow the flow of breath to be more clear and unhindered. I uncrossed my legs and let a soft smile awaken, first from inside of me, and then I allowed it to spread across my face. My gaze flowed freely throughout the room, as I remained intentional about not fixing it on anything or anyone for too long. I became a witness to the room, a calm presence simply holding a caring attitude and allowing vulnerability, both in myself and for others.
I have really appreciated reading pieces of Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life by Thomas Moore (NY: HarperCollins, 1992) to support my process of witnessing at Emmanuel that I have described here. Moore discusses the radical importance of being with someone during their time of grief and loss without the common agenda of fixing or changing them. He says:
The basic intention in any caring, physical, or psychological, is to alleviate suffering. But in relation to the symptom itself, observance means first of all listening and looking carefully at what is being revealed in the suffering. An intent to heal can get in the way of seeing. By doing less, more is accomplished. (p. 10)
There has been a profound simplicity in the opportunities that I have had to “do less” at Emmanuel. Living in a culture that values hard work, sacrifice, and strife, I have found an interesting edge to my own comfort zone as I learn to become the clinician that I believe will make a profound difference in people’s lives and society at large. This work begins with slowing down and engaging in the process of listening and seeing.
Emmanuel has offered me the gift of seeing myself as I work toward seeing others. I have learned so much about the nuanced ways that my leadership manifests and can be utilized for my own good and for the good of others. I feel so grateful for the opportunities that Emmanuel has provided me to sit back and practice witnessing the whole as well as the individuals that make up the whole. It has been a unique challenge that I believe will remain a powerful thread in my understanding of what it takes to hold and breathe life into therapeutic alliance with another.
— Liana Johannaber